


One Is The Loneliest Number

by 1The_Quiet_Samurai1



Category: The Umbrella Academy (TV)
Genre: Exploration into Luther's character, F/M, He's not a one dimensional dick guys, I'm trying to understand him better okay?, for the sake of his character on the show, he's a person, with feelings believe it or not
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-05-09
Updated: 2019-05-09
Packaged: 2020-02-29 05:01:26
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,297
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18771721
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/1The_Quiet_Samurai1/pseuds/1The_Quiet_Samurai1
Summary: Luther was fucked up. He knew it.





	One Is The Loneliest Number

**Author's Note:**

> Sup?  
> Just a little thing I whipped up after thinking about Luther's character. Just as the tags say, I'm just exploring him and his thoughts.  
> They travel back in time and are thirteen FYI.  
> *******  
> WARNING: BREAKDOWN. MENTAL HEALTH ISSUES. YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED.

There was definitely something wrong with him. He knew from the very start. He was different from his siblings. Mentally that is. He’d praised his father too much. Looked for affection that was never there. He’d praised him so much that he’d lost sight of what a family is.

Now look where that got them?

Luther sighed as he laid on his bed. They were back. All of them were thirteen again. The night Five disappeared. But this time, he didn’t run off. That was the biggest change so far. A start in the right path. Luther had to be next. He had to do the right things. Not what his father would do. The  _ right _ things.

But somehow… he never could. He didn’t know what it was. How to… be better. There was something wrong with him, so how could he? It didn’t have to do with dad- well, okay, maybe a little. But then… the thing with Allison…

They were  _ siblings _ . Brother and sister. They both knew it was weird, and wrong. Having a chance to start over, they both agreed that it was weird and wrong. That they should stop it. Things had been going well. They’d been secretly training Vanya, who’d been secretly not taking her medication. Dad had no idea. He couldn’t know. Luther had been trying to open up more to his siblings. Vanya especially. He didn’t know her at all.

* * *

 

_ It started one night after their secret training. Luther had intended to apologize for locking her up, which he did. He’d stepped close to her, was only a couple of feet away. She looked nervous. Her dark hair hiding the top part of her soft, fair, face. Her big eyes looking up at him. He never noticed how short she was before. It was kind of cute. He wanted to reassure her. Wanted to protect her now. Protect her from dad. From everything. _

_ “I-I’m s-sorry.” Luther stuttered like Diego. Now that they were kids again, the poor boy’s stutter had returned as well much to his frustration. “I know it won’t make up for anything, but… I’m sorry. I was too blinded by my feelings, and the whole thing with dad I... “ he sniffed and realized that he’d begun crying. Shit. Eh, fuck it. He’s done with fronts, and masks. At least, when it came to his siblings. He’d still wear them when dad was around. He couldn’t know about their little time travel adventures. He couldn’t know anything. He let out a sob and started wiping at his tears, trying to will them to stop. They wouldn’t. He couldn’t. It’d been too long since he’d last cried. He doesn’t even remember the last time he had. Maybe he had that night he was high and drunk, but he doesn’t remember that time. He’d rather not anyway. He felt cold. In this soundproof room, he suddenly felt alone. Like Vanya wasn’t actually there. She hadn’t said anything yet. Hadn’t even moved. He couldn’t look at her. _

_ His legs gave way and he collapsed to his knees, shaking. Father would beat him to death if he saw this. Number One a crying mess, begging Number Seven for forgiveness. He knew it was useless. She’d always hate him now. She’d always… she’d never… _

_ Small arms wrapped around him, pulling him closer to her. He gasped. He hadn’t expected her to do that. If anything, he expected her to just leave and lock him in here. Like he deserved. Alone, cold, scared. He deserved to be that. Vanya still didn’t say anything. But she kept hugging him. He kept crying. Sobbing a little louder. He didn’t care. The room was soundproof and dad was asleep. Probably anyway. None of them ever really knew if he was truly asleep or working, or doing something else entirely. The man was still a complete mystery. _

_ Luther cried himself dry in Vanya’s arms. At some point he’d buried his face in her shoulder, wetting her uniform. He couldn’t help but notice that she smelled nice. She smelled real. Not kind of fake like Allison’s perfumes. Vanya smelled so real, Luther was almost sent into shock. Almost. God his emotions were getting to him. He was suddenly very exhausted. Vanya was so warm, so soft. Eventually they pulled away from the hug, despite Luther’s want to keep her there. He didn’t deserve it. He never would. He didn’t know why she even allowed it. She should be hating him. But she smiled. It wasn’t big, but Vanya’s smiles had never been big. Luther’s heart suddenly broke at the thought. She had been so alone. All the time. Even when they were adults. She’d never mentioned having any friends. Aside from that prick, Lenard, or Harold whoever he was. Luther’s stomach flipped in anger at the thought of him. How dare he use his sister like that. How DARE he! _

_ After they parted, Luther was able to look into her eyes. They were pretty. A nice soft hazel colour. Everything about Vanya was soft. So different from Allison. Vanya was so sweet and gentle. Luther hated himself for ever being mean to her. _

_ “I don’t know if I’ll forgive and forget. But this is a start.” Vanya finally said. Her voice still as quiet as it always had been. Soft and velvety. Luther felt stiff at her words. He knew it though. Knew it was coming. That didn’t stop it from hurting. He squeezed his eyes shut tight and hung his head. He accepted it. It’s as good as it’s gonna get for now. It’s better than he thought actually. He’ll take it. _

_ “We should go to bed now. You’re tired. I am too. Dad’s got a big day planned for you guys tomorrow. The new training is beginning.” _

_ “R-Right.” Luther’s voice was rough from crying. He hated it. He hated the stutter. But now he empathized with Diego more so there was that. He couldn’t imagine dealing with it all the time. There had been some days where Diego didn’t speak full sentences. Only one or two words at a time. Ones that didn’t affect his stutter. _

_ “Y-You go ahead. I-I’ll catch up.” Luther said quietly. He felt so small now. He felt Vanya’s eyes on him. Concerned, but still angry. She slowly stood up and left the room. She left the door open. Expecting Luther to leave shortly after. _

_ He stood up and closed the door. He didn’t lock it, as he needed to leave before dad noticed anything. _

_ But he stayed all night. Alone in that room. _

* * *

Luther sighed and rolled over on his side. That had been three weeks ago. Three weeks into this new timeline. Luther still felt like shit, and he also felt like he still wasn’t doing anything for his siblings. It was their free time now, they got an hour each day in the afternoon. Sometimes on the weekend they got two hours. Today was Saturday and they actually got two hours. The first half hour was lunch, that had finished at around twelve-thirty as usual. Luther checked his watch. It was now one-thirty. One hour and a half into their free time. Luther had spent it lying here on his bed feeling frustrated at himself. He can’t figure out how to become better. Now to… not be him! He sucked at making things better. He sucked at being Number One. He sucked at… everything. He was even sure that Five was a better fighter than him, given his assassin training. Not that it mattered much now. But Luther just felt… useless now. Maybe he always had been. Probably. Always sucking up to dad. Looking for approval that was never there. Dad sent him to the fucking moon to feel useful. Dad knew he was useless.

Luther swallowed feeling a lump in his throat. Fuck it. He let out a tiny whimper and buried his face in his pillow. He knew he couldn’t stop the tears now. He was becoming a fucking baby. But he knew he couldn’t hold back his feelings anymore. That’s part of what turned him into a dick. Made him like dad. He couldn’t become that. Not this time. So he cried. Usually if he was alone in his room, with the door closed, Luther was never bothered by anyone. Not even Allison.

Then he felt a hand on his shoulder and almost fell off the bed in fear.

“Sh-Shit- I-” he froze when he realized it was Vanya. She’d already seen him have a complete breakdown. It was fine. He held back a sigh of relief. He didn’t want to make it seem like Vanya was nothing. She wasn’t. He laid his head back down on his pillow. He didn’t know what to say. He didn’t know why she was here. Even though, it had become a regular occurrence now.

Vanya was becoming less shy and timid around them. Even Luther. They still weren’t on good terms, but they were still siblings here.

Siblings.

Luther’s stomach flipped with sickness. Yeah there was something wrong with him.

Now that he was trying to be closer to his siblings, he was getting to know Vanya better. He’d grown to really like her. He wished he had in the other timeline. He wondered how different things could have been.

* * *

_ He first realized he was fucked a few days after his breakdown in the soundproof cage. He kept searching for Vanya. Looking for  _ her _ approval. Hoping she’d forgive him. He started noticing how pretty she was. How lovely her hair was. The slight curves of her body despite the uniform being shit. Luther had started feeling nervous around her. His palms started sweating. His pulse sped up each time he looked at her, or thought of her. _

_ A few days after his breakdown, he heard her playing her violin. She always looked so at peace when she played. Quietly, he snuck out of his bedroom and walked over to hers. Her door was open slightly. If he stood in a certain position, he could easily see her without being seen himself. At least, not seen by Vanya. There was always the chance of someone else catching him. He’d take the risk though. He loved watching her play, as creepy as it sounded. Hell, it sounded really creepy. He was fucked up. The melody she was playing was a happy one. She looked happy. And beautiful. _

_ Very beautiful. _

_ That’s when he knew he truly was fucked up. His heart skipped a beat at the realization. His face heated up, his palms started sweating. He had to leave before someone saw him. Before  _ Allison _ saw him. She’d instantly know. Maybe she already did. How long had Luther been… crushing on Vanya? _

_ His  _ other _ sister. Fuck his life. Fuck him. _

* * *

Luther stared into nothing as Vanya calmly put her hand back on his shoulder. His skin felt warm and tingly at her touch. His pulse sped up. He sighed quietly. He felt defeated. Vanya frowned.

“Do… you do this a lot?” she asked quietly. “Cry alone?” Luther didn’t respond to that. He had been. He couldn’t help it.

“There’s something wrong with me.” he whispered.

“What do you mean?”

Luther let out a shaky breath. “I-I’m useless. I always had been. I’ve never been a leader. I’m not… normal. Like you guys.”

“And  _ we’re _ normal? Luther what are you talking about?”

Luther closed his eyes briefly and turned his head so he was resting on his other cheek. Away from Vanya. Her hand was still on his shoulder, burning a hole through his uniform. Through his skin.

“I… I had feelings for Allison. I… r-romantic ones.” he whispered. He knew his siblings all knew. He and Allison hadn’t been the best at hiding, and had been caught many, many times.

“We… kind of already know. But you guys called it off right? That doesn’t mean-”

“I have feelings for  _ you _ .” Luther blurted out. He hadn’t exactly  _ meant _ to say it. But he didn’t know how else to explain his way of thinking.

Vanya went silent. Luther feared the worst. That she completely hated him even more now. He was a freak. Insane. Sick. He had romantic feelings for his  _ sister _ of all people. AGAIN. Vanya’s hand left his shoulder. He felt cold. Frozen. As he should be. He deserved it.

“Luther…” Vanya said. Her voice was filled with sympathy. Sadness. He knew it. She could never feel the same. It’d be fucked up anyway. He and Allison called things off for that very reason. “I’m sorry.”

He sniffed. “Not your fault. I’m not normal. I’m messed up. You don’t have to stay if you don’t want to. I get it. It’s weird. I’m…” he sighed and let out a small sob as new tears came down. His heart felt cold and heavy. He already felt alone.

Suddenly Vanya started moving him over, and laid down next to him. He sniffed a few times as she wrapped her arms around him.

“I think all of us are done with being alone.” she whispered. She hugged him close. He didn’t understand, but he was glad. Glad she didn’t totally hate him. At least, not for having a stupid crush on her. God why couldn’t he be normal? He turned over and faced her, he still didn’t look into her eyes. He couldn’t now. But he could let her hold him one last time. He knew this would be the last time he’d ever get to… the last time… he let out a quiet sob into her shoulder. He still felt kind of cold. Only because of her rejection though. He’d get over it. He would. He’ll get over it.

He wasn’t sure he was convinced.

 

**Author's Note:**

> Comments and kudos are welcome! <3 :D


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